When I want out

Sometimes I just want to escape. Not from one thing, from all of it.

It shows up in different ways. Sleeping more than I need to. Weed. Alcohol. Being alone. They look like different habits, but for me they come from the same place: I need a break from being here.

Some days I feel like I’m in a pressure cooker. Ordinary things feel overwhelming. An email, a phone call, a plan for the day. What I’m able to handle feels much smaller than what’s being asked of me.

And sometimes reality is just too difficult to handle.

I’m not proud of every way I’ve tried to get away. I’m also not going to pretend I don’t do it. Wanting relief isn’t weakness. It’s what happens when the load is bigger than the capacity.

What I’ve noticed is that the escape works for a little while, and then I come back to the same pressure, plus a little more. 

If this is you, you’re not the only one. You don’t have to have it figured out to be allowed to say it.

If the wish to escape ever turns into something darker, please read If it’s bad right now, or call or text 988.

I’ll send the next one. You can leave whenever you want.