For a long time, I didn’t know anything was wrong. Not “I was ignoring it.” I mean it wasn’t visible to me at all.
There’s a word for this: anosognosia. It comes from Greek and roughly means “not knowing about an illness.” It’s when someone can’t recognize that something is wrong with them, even when the people around them can see it clearly.
It’s easy to mistake it for denial, but it isn’t the same. Denial is looking at something and pushing it away. With anosognosia, there’s nothing to push away, because the part of the brain that would notice the problem isn’t doing its job. From the inside, everything seems normal. You aren’t lying to anyone, including yourself. You just can’t see it.
That’s why telling someone “you need help” so often goes nowhere. They aren’t being stubborn. They’re being asked to see something they honestly can’t.
For me, it ended in one moment. One early afternoon in 2019, I was walking down a neighborhood road with one of my daughters. It was a gorgeous sunny day and I was content. Out of nowhere, everything hit me at once. It was like a freight train was smashing through my head.
At first I was confused and disoriented by what was going on. After about 30 seconds though, it was clear. I needed help. As soon as possible. My life was in flames and I never even noticed.
I think about how ordinary the moment first seemed. Nothing outside of me changed. The sun was out, my daughter was next to me. The only thing that changed was that I could finally see.
If someone you love seems to be struggling and doesn’t see it, it may not be that they won’t. It may be that they can’t, yet. Staying patient and staying close matters more than winning the argument.
And if you’re reading this and some part of you just went quiet, you’re welcome to stay a while.
I’ll send the next one. You can leave whenever you want.
Other Notes
Waiting
Showing up anyway
